New Year’s “Evolutions”: Negative Diet Strategies Reflective of Self-Image Issues

New Year’s seems to always be a time of reflection for many people. For many of my clients, looking forward to the New Year seems to bring out both anticipation but fear and trepidation as well. Whether or not some folks were just checking in after the holidays, or others were spelling out their New Year’s goals, some venting of their feelings usually ends up in my Inbox around every New Year’s.

This year, I had over 16 e-mails that were reflective of the 2 below. My on-going fight against Metabolic Damage remains as steadfast as ever, but one thing about coaching that few others seem to get is that the process of “doing right” is as much from the neck up as it is from the neck down. To this day many of my counterparts are ignoring the fact that Big “C” coaching needs to address not just the physical, but mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of pursuit as well.

The two e-mails below are not about picking on anyone or being critical or anything like that. These e-mails and many just like them reflect the self-induced and unnecessary anguish that many associate with goal directed behaviour. This Blog is an attempt to address the common thinking strategy mistakes that I see repeating themselves over and over again, even among the same people. If you are beginning each year with pretty much the same diet or physique goals, and the same self-image issues, then your physical process is not the issue. The issue is one of thinking strategy, which I have stated on many occasions, are often “stinking tragedies”

These are real e-mails. I make them anonymous because they represent a common theme I see all too often throughout the year. And the point is, without addressing these thinking strategies on a deeper level, no matter what is accomplished, it will not be maintained. The proof of that is that both of these e-mails are from people that have dieted for competition before. (But neither one with me, they came to me some time after)

So the question begs, “What is gained, and what is lost” if after a time all thoughts go back to negative self-image issues, and the circle begins again. So first, read the two segments of e-mails below. Many of you out there will relate to them in many details. Again, the point is not to punish or condemn but to learn and grow. These are my clients and I care about them and their well-being, so let’s not forget that as I delve in to the problems of negative emotional thought process associated with diet strategy that continues to miss the bigger picture.

E-mail Number 1

“You were right about the ebb and flow of the training spark. But for me it seems to be more with the diet. It is still going well. I still feel hungry sometimes. I've been a bit constipated the last week as well, but not really sure why. So that has made me feel a bit bloated and uncomfortable. So that has caused a few "fat day" feelings. It's hard sometimes because I just feel like I wish I was "normal" and that I didn't have to put so much effort in to the diet part. It's not that I want to eat junk food or anything like that. Some days it would just be nice to not have to think about it so much. It seems like it's always on my mind.

I'm a bit stressed because I really need to go dress shopping, but I'm afraid it will end up with me crying and depressed because I don't like the way I look in anything. The thing is, I was engaged once before, and found a dress that I looked great in, but I was also about 20-25lbs lighter then. So I find myself comparing me to how I was then. I know I shouldn't, and I hate that I do it. I just really want to lose some bodyfat before I walk down the aisle.

Some days I wish I never would have competed at all. I wasn't happy being fat before, but I was more oblivious to it. I had never been
skinny, so I didn't know any different. Now, I seem to constantly be striving for some mental image of perfection I have of how I want to
look. And since I was there before, it seems like I'm failing because I can't get back there again and I'm so desperate to lose the weight. I
just don't want to be fat anymore. I know it will take time, and that the inner stuff needs to be fixed first. I hate that it seems to
control me so much. A missed workout or eating something other than what is on my plan (even if it's still healthy) makes me feel so guiltyit's ridiculous. Some days, I just expect too much from myself. I feel like any reason I have to not train is just an excuse, even if I
am sick or run down. I really need to find a balance and realize that life will happen no matter what, and that one missed workout or a
slight deviation in my diet once in awhile isn't going to destroy my efforts. I am doing better most days with it all. I've just been
feeling gross the last few days so it all surfaces again.

E-mail #2

I realize how lucky I am to be here and how much energy I waste on always concerning myself with what I am eating and doing. I want to live a healthy and happy life not always worried about when and what I have to eat. I want to make healthy choices without obsessing about it. I want to eat good without weighing and measuring everything I put in my mouth.... I haven't been faithful to my diet or training in the last week and a half. I haven't overeaten just not eaten what I should be eating and not often enough. And as a result I have gotten terribly sick the last 3 days with a very bad cold/flu. I feel much better today but yesterday was the worst with a fever and the chills. I very rarely get sick and when I do it's always when I haven't been eating well.

If you look at both of these e-mails one thing stands out and that is use of the words “want’ and “don’t want” as well as so many emotional ties to that “state of being” all of which I highlighted for effect. And that state of being is entirely due to being in a constant state of “wanting this” or it’s seeming opposite of “not wanting that” Notice that the level of self-judgement and self recrimination remains as a constant. There are also elements of resentment within both e-mails.

Now if we go back and understand the content of the e-mails within its broader context we can see that diet strategy is also a reflection of a life strategy in general. In other words, how we pursue and perceive things, no matter how trivial or important they may seem, is a real reflection of over all world view or approach if you will. So there are tremendous life lessons present here, that even though reflected in diet strategy represent ways of thinking that are impactful in tremendous ways to the experience of living.

If someone approaches any task or goal with an element of emotional resentment, at any level, then even if the goal is achieved, it is so emotionally exhausting it is unlikely to be maintained for long. I see this all the time with attitudes of ‘I hate cardio” vs. “I love training.” In other words you create your world of experience with what you choose to focus on. Focus on wants, frustration, guilt, shame, and you will surely experience more of them regardless of goal attainment. How do I know? How many have competed only to never hold on to what they “strived” so hard to achieve. When “want” is your bottom line attitude, then it will keep presenting itself.

Many have competed “wanting” that physique, they can’t possibly maintain. And what happens once they attain it. Usually that “want” is just replaced by another want. Many want that contest look till they have it, and once attained a set of “new wants” appears does it not?

All of a sudden the attained physique is not nearly as important as “now I want to eat normal food” “I want to be able to go out and have a few drinks with my friends, and not be so worried about my physique" “I don’t want to be a slave to my training any more” So what happens then? These people with the “wanting mentality” then go out and pursue these new wants till they lose entirely their physiques they previously “wanted” for so long. And then the process of “want” continues all over again. This is hardly a winning thought strategy.

People need to change if necessary their thoughts, actions, and behaviours to build a life that suits them, not a life burdened by endless “wants” and pursuing accomplishments as end results with no long term meaning.
If people are going to develop effective life strategies, even in something as seemingly simple as diet psychology then lessons must be learned or the process just keeps repeating itself.

The sad thing about history, personal or otherwise is that people seldom seem to learn from it.

Elements of emotional context like blame, excuses, rigidity of thinking and judgementalism are self-weakening positions. People need to learn to observe without judging, explore without attachment of value or reward. More important is transcending the Infantile Ego position of Self-Pity and resentment. Negative emotional energy just brings about negative emotional consequences, as in more and more “wanting or not wanting", and then more negative emotions attached to its pursuit like guilt, pressure, obsession, shame and the like. These will zap the power of the self and create the never ending hamster wheel of making insurmountable mountains out of easily attainable molehills.

The idea of an effective diet strategy (again, reflective of life strategy) is to move “toward” positive values, and not “away from” negative ones in one’s conscious process. For instance trying to move “away from” guilt, shame, sadness, anger etc only act as a drag on you pulling you back towards them thus creating a sense of emotional “heaviness” to any task. This is exactly what we mean by the term “emotional baggage”; however, moving consciously “toward” positive values like love, self-love, respect, self-respect, joy, healing, peace of mind etc will help “push you” toward those very things. Notice that real “values” have little to do with material possessions, including cosmetic achievements like a lean body.

It’s important to develop a thinking strategy of the carrot, not the stick. Focus “toward” what you want as a quality of character, ( for example being self-directed) not “away from" what you don’t want in terms of a state of being. (for example “I don’t want to be fat”) It is important that in order to “have something” and to “be it” one must get rid of the whole concept of “want this and don’t want that” as they just tend to reproduce “new wants and not wants,” incessantly, and you end up like a dog chasing its tail. Along with this is the necessity to know the difference between outcomes of pursuit and our attachments to them. Getting rid of attachments to outcomes is also a decidedly empowering move.

People don’t really long for the goal of being “not fat.” They long for the feelings “they attach” to having achieved that goal. This is how the law of reversed effect works.

Simply the law of reversed effect states that for many, the harder the effort to succeed, the more likely is inevitable failure. This is because of an emphasis on ”want” and being focused “on” instead of “working toward” For many ladies, they are far too focused “on diet” rather than ‘working toward” self-direction. Again, this only brings pain and drain to ordinary pursuits.

Simply “wanting, and desiring, and wishing” and the like only get in the way of “allowing” the actual outcome to manifest. It’s time to change the mental thinking strategies. Stop chasing and start being a witness to fruition. It is that easy.

But to try to prove self-worth, or claim self-worth is to lose it. It must be lived, not stated and not strived after. Striving is also not an effective thinking strategy, or not nearly as effective as a strategy of ‘allowing.’ Diet strategy being representative of life strategy illustrates through experience, that diet or any other undertaking of personal challenge is only a struggle till it is worked through. At some point when working through thinking proper thinking strategy, the battle ends because the war is won over. Challenges then become just that, challenges, with no attachments to self worth within them, but rather a broader context of self-direction. There are no longer struggles or personal battles. The mature mind wins out over the Infantile Ego previously discussed.

There is no longer a position of thought of “I want this” or “I don’t want that” There is only “being and doing” from that point. There is no longer a sense of pressure nor difficulty nor emotional attachments to the specified activity (e.g. diet) From this vaulted place of thinking strategy, ease of doing becomes common place, because one’s position is a basic one of self-satisfaction. Seeds of discouragement cannot take place in a grateful heart.

Meaning and Awareness

From a position that doesn’t concern itself with “want this” or “don’t want that” then meaning and awareness are going to be more motivating factors. This is right thinking. Meaning, personal meaning and awareness of pursuit give “value” to that which is pursued. This is when any thinking strategy reflective of larger life strategies starts to swell into positive experience. At this point dieting, or competing or even Christmas tradition take on value added expression that serves instead of exhausts a person on an emotional level.

A good coach (ahem) coaches a trainee to know that there should be real meaning equated to specific achievement or achievements. This is the sincere way to add value to pursuit. Otherwise, and in most cases people simply “assume” attainment of goals, for example physical goals such as weight loss will transcend to a place of fulfillment and happiness and this is almost always NOT the case. This is why there is so much post contest or post event (Christmas) depression and blues complete with self-judgement. Meaning has not transcended the event (contest, Christmas, whatever) to become part of the working spirit of a person that directs thinking strategies.
The value associated with that meaning then, does not become a part of the person’s character.

The rush is perceived to be a result of the event itself (the contest or Christmas anticipation etc) and therefore so much that could be gained for self is lost in faulty perception of perceived value. The discovery of magnitude here is that it is not the goal itself that is often desired but the self-satisfaction associated with it, by perception. I know many who claim “competing makes me happy”, or “I love competing” but all evidence of their experience shows anything but. It’s not so much the competition for some but the attention and the sense of belonging that they are really aspiring to that they can take away and have for themselves without a “perceived need” to compete.

And of course that is not true of everyone. But my coaching experience is that many people, who claim to get so much out of competing, actually experience a lot of devastating emotional energy by doing it, and risk losing otherwise healthy and positive relationships when doing so.

In the end the most effective coaching strategy to my mind is not to impose my will on others because as you see here, I don’t need to. The goal is to get others to see they are currently imposing their own emotional will to negative ends and negative results and a consciousness of frustration or unhappiness or many other emotionally exhausting detours to achievable outcomes and pursuits.

Inspiration vs Motivation

So at this time of year when people are stressing resolutions or experiencing regret or struggle, or striving for that which shouldn’t require so much emotional effort it’s important to understand the difference between motivation and inspiration. Motivation is situational and is built upon faulty concepts at best. This is why people seldom stay “motivated” for long, because it is a state of being. Inspiration on the other hand becomes a character trait. It is a position of approach to any new pursuit or goal, and is long lasting. It is a permanent part of someone who is “inspired” Inspiration then is something that is devoted “to” the task at hand it doesn’t come “from” its completion.

In fact, completing tasks or meeting goals is the surest way to have inspiration elude us. That is why so many people go from fat and unhappy to dieted and competitive back to fat and unhappy etc. People need to stop believing in the seduction that there needs to be a goal to be achieved. At New Year’s and in this day and age in general it seems not having a goal is more to be feared than not reaching a goal. This kind of logic keeps someone forever seeking “motivation” at the tremendous expense of never finding their “inspiration” We therefore end up in an endless circle of always “striving” and trying but never “arriving and being” Striving merely re-creates the “want this, and don’t want that” thinking strategy and it all begins again.

What most people are really seeking with their New Year’s Resolutions and diet strategies and other goals are paths to Inner Peace and satisfaction. But Inner Peace comes from letting go of both attractions and aversions. (for example letting go of “I want to be beautiful” or “I hate being fat”) The fewer the “wants of this, and not wants of that” the greater are both the ease and the satisfaction of life. So it is not these possessions themselves that are the problem (as in a wonderful physique) but the presumed value of importance that is placed on them that is significant. This is what needs to change. If I could get people to understand that it is their “spirit” that should drive their thought strategies and not their emotions. It’s time to no longer think with emotions, but alongside one’s spiritual strength, instead use emotions, like passion, in order to think.

Spirit is the overwhelming self-empowering position of strength. Emotional reactions and mental strategies should be subject to one’s own spiritual guidance. And I don’t mean this in the religious sense, although that can be a fine delineation as well. Don’t ever forget that things like diet strategy or any thinking strategy toward a goal is reflective of a grander approach to life.

The fact is the human spirit is never vanquished by defeat, it is only vanquished by giving up. Summing one’s spirit may take some practice but it is the strength that lies within each of us. As Henry David Thoreau said “what lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us.” And when we bring what is within us into our own world, miracles happen. This is the aspect of character over striving. Joy is part of a well aware spirit. And from that place all pursuits like diet should begin.

Happiness is not a place you get to when you accomplish something large or small, happiness is the path you should use to get there.

With all my discussion of the word “want” I leave you all with this Irish Greeting for a New Year’s blessing from me to you all.

“May you all live as long as you want, but never want as long as you live”

As usual with my Blogs, I leave you by saying, some of you will get it, many of you will not. And I welcome your discussions on my Forums. Happy New Year to all.